I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
