I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
