o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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