You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
