1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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