you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
