I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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