Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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