You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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