I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
