It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
