someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
