Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
