he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
