i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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