The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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