Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
