Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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