the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
