it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
