dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
