Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
