at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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