R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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