Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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