Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
