The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
