Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
