You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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