So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
