apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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