an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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