Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
