you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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