Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
