also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
