I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
