she told me i tasted like america
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
