he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
