Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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