Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
