idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
