God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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