My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
