allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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