Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
