Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
