i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
