the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
