I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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